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Here's What It Is

Shani Robinson
Apr 25, 2017
2 min read

Sometimes, I think every decision that lead me here was a giant mistake. It makes me want to isolate myself. Go unnoticed. Shrink inward. Drink enough to dull. Sleep all the time.

I fight that urge because it's easy to succumb to. While it doesn't feel good, it's a role that allows me to not have a responsibility to anyone. 6 years ago that's how I coped with everything.

It was better than having to answer every single question about every oddity or unorthodox thing happening in my life. It was easy. No one gets in and no questions are asked. I don't have to feel out of my skin or my element. I don't have to weigh anyone I love down. My ears stop ringing because no one will care enough to talk or be "Concerned" about me behind my back.

Since I graduated, that feeling is creeping back in. My way to fight it is to convince myself that everything is fine. I wake up, exfoliate my face in an attempt to claw away the feeling of failure that shames me, tell myself everything is okay and trick myself into believing it is. Crying often helps, but what is actually behind that is years of frustration and the sheer panic that you could regress at any moment and sometimes when that sets in, you're done.

Here is where anyone will tell me it's all going to be fine. Well, good for you for thinking that way, for having an attitude that helps you kick off every day, but that won't fix the years of mental conditioning I've inflicted upon myself.

When society renders a workaholic useless, you can't keep telling them that'll turn around and to sit on their hands in the meantime. We're not built well on rest and relaxation and at some point it makes us angry and volatile. We've bottled it all up just to keep it together for the people around us, right? The explosion can only be messy and earth shattering when it's built on years of toxic thinking.

In the end, it is what it is, correct?

I am the only person who can rectify the situation and bring myself back to my former glory.

Wishing anyone else stuck in their head love and light,